Panic Attack

I am feeling better now but wanted to blog for the memory of what my body went through yesterday. Also..Toby's! When Toby left in January I was sick but I got over it withing hours and cried very little. Yesterday when Toby called we could hardly talk on the phone and when he said goodbye I started to have what I would think a Panic Attack would feel like. I was ok for most the day until everything was quite and I had to go to bed by myself. I thought I was going to die. By talking to Toby today I am not alone. He also felt the same feelings and really misses me and the kids.

We did talk however that these are just feelings of the flesh and that we are committed to this Army life. It has been good to us and got us farther in such a short time then we had ever thought possible. I love this life. I wish I was back living on post but will stay the course to achieve some of our goals.

We are doing better today. Toby was going to go sleep on the floor and hopefully would make it back sometime soon and then we can get back into our routines. This time we get to use webcams so that will be really exciting. The first half of the deployment was just voice, but that was hard for the little kids. We only got to see him twice in that 8 months, but this next 8 are going to be so much better. We are heading to the finish line. We are going to come out on top.

Thank you honey for reminding me the Devil wants me to feel like crap. He reminded me today that my Heavenly Father loves me so much. He helped me see that comforting angels are trying to reach me and I am not allowing it. Our kids are doing fantastic..although Carmen keeps reminding Cera that Dad will be back tomorrow. (she doesn't understand time)

Thanks to everyone we have supporting us and sending prayers our way. We love you all!

Cheated and punched in the gut

I just have to put these thoughts into words before I fall asleep after a long day. This morning when we took Toby to the airport we were thankful to get gate passes which allowed us to go past security and wait at the gate with him. We thought we had a couple more minutes but becuase they upgraded him to first class he boarded early. They called for him and it became a rush. He gave a quick kiss to all the kids foreheads and gave me a half hug because I had Cera in my arms. I felt like it was kindof fast, but I had had all morning to start saying goodbye.

I felt like I was punched in the stomach when I heard Toby say he felt the same way. I thought I was just being a brat about it and wasn't going to mention it to him, but he had felt the same way. Would one last big hug really make a difference, NO, but the thought of it makes me want to puke.

I had one episode after Toby called and I thought about why I am freaking out so bad. I know he will come back. I just hate seeing my best friend leave and I get sad thinking he is going to miss so much of our lives. I am really just upset because he has worries that the younger girls will not remember him when he gets home next time. I just love him so much and hate the first day gone and just the all day to think stage. I couldn't bear to go through the pictures today.

Please morning bring sunshine and chaos!! I need it soo bad. That is what was great about Texas on post there was always chaos so we never had time to stop and think.

I am going to go take some movies back and have a better of dead (the movie) moment where every song makes me want to cry. I will be back..fold laundry, and go to bed and wake up to be refreshed at morning church. I am going to start Cera in nursery tomorrow, YAY!!

Toby, I love you and appreciate the sacrifice you are making for our family. I am so proud of you and want you to know that you are my world and I am behind you every step of this and by your side when you want to talk and ahead of you when it gets to hard for you to lead us. You are the best!

Countdown!

So I am a total freak about lists and counting down things. I will post a ton later about Toby's awesome visit home, but just wanted to point out before I take my counter off my page that I am over half-way done with this deployment. Almost a month more than half. YAY!!



Toby just left this morning and I just have to say how much I love him and am soo proud of him for sacrificing and going to serve again. I am also very proud of my children. They are so strong and I hope they know how much their father loves them and that is why he is willing to do this.



Love you honey, and know you are in my constant thoughts.



To everyone else. I have over 300 pictures, so I have to sort through and will put a slide show up tomorrow. I am thankful for the time we had together and am excited for all the things we have planned for the next couple of months.

YAY!! Goal setting is my favorite...

Pity Party-OVER

Ok, No toby is not here nor has he called to say he was even leaving from across the world to head our way.. I have however gotten some projects done that I have been putting off until after R&R and some much needed homework for next week is also complete. My pity party lasted about a day and I am over it.

I did what I tell other women to do and pulled out my goal sheet. This deployment is not over. We are not even half way quite yet, and although he is coming home to visit we still have a ways to go..SO SUCK IT UP! I told myself and that is what I did.

How am I going to write a book about deployment without going through the crap and then overcoming it and doing it quickly? How are we to be the poster family for the Army if I get mad when it concerns nothing I have a say in?

Anyway..I really am grateful for the Army and the change it has made in my relationship with my husband. I am very thankful for the benefits we receive (this flight is not costing me anything but time). I am very thankful for the strength that it gives me and molds me to be a better person. I hope to someday show all the women with me that go through this experience that we can have crappy times, but we bounce back and the quicker the better.

I have a couple more projects I put on my to do list for tonight so better get crackin'. I decided to put together a dvd for toby to take back with him of pictures of leave and am going to get that all set up so I just have to add as we make memories.

I really do love my life and love the decision my husband made 18 months ago.

Summer fun with Grandma

The kids and I have been blessed to be able to spend some quality time in Utah with Grandma Neilson this summer. They love going places with her and let me tag along sometimes.

We rode the new Frontrunner train to Salt Lake. That is the day we went to the church museum and the gateway to play in the fountains. We went to the Discovery museum also that day.. It was so fun. Everything went well, but we did hit the frontrunner coming home in rush hour so a little squishy on the ride back..but the kids had so much fun. Mom held Carmen as she slept and I had Cera as she pooped her pants and totally embarrassed me.
Grandma sitting in the museum with Cera watching a video of the Prophet. So cute!

We also have been to the zoo and Grandma took the older 3 to the Davis County Fair. We are so thankful for her and for Grandpa working so hard to pay for us to have fun.. Thanks for making this transition bearable for us. We really did have a great time and are so excited to be here with you for the time being.

Not too creative

I went to a baby shower on saturday and was pretty proud of my Diaper cake. They were a big hit at showers in El Paso, but they had one as a center peice that was 100 times more cute. Oh well..although usually I am not too creative in the craft arena of life..I thought it was cute!

Just stay busy

Avice that I have given countless number or women in the last 7 1/2 months is stay busy and you will make it just fine. It really is the key to surviving and thriving a deployment. I would take my own advice and am trying but this is different. He is not going to be gone 10 more months (right now). He is supposed to be home and I don't really want to start on a project and have to stop it for 2 weeks plus.

I can't help but feel cheated. I know we will get our 18 days but we wanted to get a couple before the kids started school tomorrow. He wanted to play pretend that we were a normal family and he could take them to their first day. (He always was awesome about that kind of stuff. Taking time off or going in late for big days like this.)

So you know what it was like today I will tell you the story. This morning I got up at 7 am planning on hitting at least a little of church before Tobys arrival. I of course wanted everyone to look cute so got breakfast going and then everyone started to shower and get ready. Around 8:30 we started getting everything ready to go to church. The girls all looked so cute and cyrus was so handsome. My hair and makeup was phenomenal ( which made me start to think everything was going too good). I knew toby was going to try to call if he could before he got on the plane to head to us. Like clockwork I got a text from him. Mind you we didn't think his phone would work out of Qatar. It read "Stuck in Germany.." Did your heart just skip a beat because mine did.

I couldn't believe it. Outside was our sign and balloons and everything was ready to go. I know with the Army everything is changeable and I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is the excuse they have is that they are getting 500 guys out everyday. That is fine except they have been getting 500 guys home everyday for some time now so there really shouldn't be a week delay to get my husband home.

I was exhausted emotionally so I didn't go to church. I waited out for Cera to get tired and took a nap. While I was sleeping I had a dream the he instant messaged me and told me to hurry and get on so he could give me some important instructions. I got up and hopped online to find out it was just a nightmare. While online I searched flights and the possibility of him even getting here tomorrow is very slim. I took down the wilted balloons and will go to bed asleep for night number 222.

(this is my sad picture after the balloons bailed on me and he was not coming anytime soon.)

I don't mean to be such a downer but one day was OK, two was getting annoying, three was offensive and now I need a thesaurus to have words to describe my emptiness.