It is funny how much I really started to like El Paso. It is pretty bare and not much to look at and sometimes smells like its neighboring country, but I really felt like it was a place I fit in. Ok, rethinking that? what does that mean of me?
I just have been struggling here in Utah to find my nitch. I think because it is so hard for me to accept help and I am so used to filling my time with doing stuff for others that I don't know what is needed of me here. I struggle to not feel guilty (as I think we are all guilty of) of doing something for myself. I still try to go to the gym only at times the kids are asleep and find myself pulling all nighters to blog and follow my favorite Brett Favre story online.
I guess I am just used to being so busy (and the kids too) that I am so done with summer. I am so done with no scheduling to the very minute/second. I just want my old life back. It is not that I am unhappy, it is just different. I find myself happiest when I am scheduled to the max and then doing nothing really blows me away. Why is that? Why can't I just be happy to sit on the floor and do nothing with my kids all day....BORING!
Today I got alot done and with the time Toby coming nearer I have a list of stuff to do. I am going to finish my list and then some to get myself back in the groove.
All in all I really do miss my El Paso life. I miss my fellow army wives and driving on post and hiding my cell phone pretending I am not talking on it, and going 10 stupid miles and hour. I miss getting mad because nobody speaks my language in my country.
Believe it or not.. the armpit of Texas is a place that isn't so bad!
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3 comments:
I can see how you would miss being busy. If I don't stay busy, I go crazy. However, you could stop by Ross in Bountiful and you might feel like you are back in El Paso. Was that rude? :-) I love that you are all here however. If I ever have this baby I might be able to see you all more b/c I won't have to worry about my lame job that always keeps me so stinkin' busy.
It is definitely hard to enjoy the slow times - I think the worst is how you look at the day in review and you're not sure what you accomplished, but deep down I'm convinced it is making a difference in the kids' lives :) You may not be surrounded by needy people, but I bet there is still tons you could do - maybe ask the r.s president of any service opportunities or something? I prefer wandering the house ignoring work that needs to be done :)
oh, and I have also worked through the whole feeling guilty when I take the kids to the gym thing, but it truly makes me feel better and I think that working on who you are as a person will only help your kids in the long run (i mean, you wouldn't feel bad about leaving them to go help a friend that needed someone, so you shouldn't feel bad about giving yourself some time, either).. there was a guy that gave a lecture right before he died and they did a 20/20 or somethign on him and he said one of the things he thought of most was how when you are a plane, they tell you to put the oxygen on yourself first and then your kids, and that you need to do that in your life, too - not that you don't do that already but I think the same goes for friends/needy people.. you'll be busy enough in NO TIME! enjoy it... (I'm reminding myself of all these things today, too :))
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